12 Unrealistic Expectations About Marriage You Need to Let Go

Iconic Media is the Number 1 Hub for Marriage Success and Empowerment

Good Morning, Icons,

We are back with another week of articles to empower YOU to have an Iconic Marriage that thrives.

Marriages are now ticking in a positive upright way but still on average last 8.2 years.

I believe in my heart, we can do better.

And we will, if we are all willing to do the work.

Here at Iconic Media we are building a community so that we can lean on each other and get insights to keep us married, healthy, happy and thriving.

So don’t stay quiet. Leave a like, comments and make sure you subscribe to jump into the conversation.

We cannot do this without you.

12 Unrealistic Expectations About Marriage You Need to Let Go

We have to adjust how we do our current newsletters until Substack and Twitter fix whatever they have going on.

So we will continue to add what we can in whatever way we can to empower you.

I was talking to my husband a while ago and asked him what was difficult about marriage.

He believe that it was unrealistic expectations.

And I did some research and found 12 of them that can make or break a marriage.

Unrealistic Expectations

I was having a long conversation last night getting my husband's opinion about our marriage. I love picking his brain because he says such interesting things.

One thing he was specific about was the unrealistic expectations people have.

They forget people can get hurt, lose income, get fat and many other things.

Which is true, we are kind of sheltered from the interworking of marriages especially if we did not have married parents or just being kids and not privy to everything our own parents went through.

We have unrealistic expectations like expecting a wife not to get fat after having kids or a husband never getting tired of his job or level of income.

One thing that I should have known was the possibility of moving around a lot. We got out of the military, and we thought the frequent moving would not be an issue since we were lucky to stay in North Carolina our whole careers.

Yet, that wasn't the case. Dealing with landlords we had to move a couple of times. And now we are thinking of selling our home and moving again.

I moved a lot as a child, while my husband stayed put most of his childhood.

So, we had no idea how this would look as we got married. When we got married, we already had an apartment, so we knew we'd buy one day.

One of the unrealistic expectations is that because we have military benefits, buying would go easier.

It didn't.

Unrealistic expectations can kill a marriage.

Who does what domestic work? Is domestic work on one spouse and the work on another? What is one works from home while being at home? 

What happens when the kids start school, or do you homeschool?

There are so many things to consider about marriage, not just the love you share or the sex.

Money expectations, wealthy generations, health and wellness.

The basics of love, honor, respect and no cheating are the obvious expectations. But there are so many unrealistic ones especially when society wants to be all up in our businesses.

We have to go into a marriage with realistic expectations and adjust them as we grow older.

Humans are very flexible, but we can still break. And once children get involved it can be all the harder.

Who knew what kind of parent they'd be? I sure didn't. And I am learning every day.

According to Dr Karen Fin, unrealistic expectations can lead to divorce! She mentions 12 in here writing, How Unrealistic Expectations In Marriage Can Lead To Divorce & What To Do About Them - Dr. Karen Finn (drkarenfinn.com)

Let us talk about them and go into detail.

Expectation #1: Your spouse should complete you.

This is unrealistic because no one can complete you. You are two different individuals. Uniquely, and authentically you. No one can completely you. If you have a hole in your heart, look towards God. You become one by being the half of the whole. The other person cannot fulfill their part in the marriage if they have to complete you too.

Expectation #2: Getting married is the hard part. Once you’re married, you’ll live happily ever after.

Lord knows if I told this lie, I would be hit by lightning. No way it will be like a fairytale. Life is hard. Things happen. Medical expenses, bills, children all can take your relationship through a roller coaster ride. It is is delusional to think that this is the hardest part. Living and building a life with one person forever who is NOT you, is hard. Get ready for that work and get to it.

Expectation #3: Your spouse’s job is to make you a better or more evolved person.

You have this unfair thought process of what your spouse’s job is to make you into a better person. No. They cannot make you be or do anything. They can support, encourage and suggest but ultimately who you are and what you do is up to you.

Expectation #4: Your spouse will never change.

We get older, we go through medical issues, we have career changes and much more. No one stays the same not even your kids. To expect a 20-year-old to think and act like a 50-year-old is ridiculous. We get more mature, we get more spiritual, we get more educated and experience. No way we stay the same and we cannot.

This idea some have of changing so they leave their spouse never sat right with me. You grow WITH your mate not apart if you water your own grass instead of worrying about where else the grass is green. If you involve your partner in your changes, the marriage should grow with you.

Expectation #5: You’ll be able to make your spouse change in the ways you want him/her to.

Your marriage is not “build a bear” workshop. People will be who they want to be. You are being unrealistic and unreasonable trying to make them be how you want them to be. You need to talk to them like the capable adult they are and work with them as a team member in your relationship. Anyone who is malleable enough to let you mold them like clay isn’t someone you can trust and respect.

People are individuals with freedom and choices and those who choose to love, honor and cherish YOU in who they are make the best spouses.

Expectation #6: Sex will always be fabulous because you love each other.

Intimacy and exercise are parts of sex that will come and go. It isn’t realistic because humans are not bunnies. Some people will have more or less than others and that is just what it is. It doesn’t mean that the other doesn’t love you. If your spicy time isn’t to your liking work on it. Because this is the one person you are to get it from.

Remember that your body is not your own and the marriage bed is how you bond and connect with each other. You are both a living sacrifice for the other and sometimes you can say yes when you might not be in the mood.

Expectation #7: Your spouse will give you whatever you want simply because s/he loves you.

We don’t do this for dogs or children so I do not know why we would every think a spouse would just give us whatever. They might in the beginning but that will get old fast as everyone owns their own no. No one is put on this earth to be your mom or dad except your parents and even they have told you know if they were good.

Men here is a test that sometimes women will simply see if you can lead them by pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable. IF you fail, they may lose respect for you.

No, you are not their father but as the leader, you set the tone of the marriage relationship.

Expectation #8: Your spouse’s life should revolve around you.

We need breathing room. While you two will be interdependent on each other, your life will not fully revolve around your spouse. You will still have your own wants and needs plus own habits and hobbies. The truth is a spouse adds to your life does not subtract. If you are being drained of your essence, something is wrong, and you need to fix it quickly.

Your relationship should include your spouse as well. There should be more “us” and “we” talk and less “I” and “me” in a marriage.

Check this clip out from Couples Therapy.

Is “It just works” enough?

Expectation #9: Your spouse will be the only friend you need.

While I do believe that your spouse should be your best friend, having other friends is essential to balance out your lifestyle. In my opinion, it is unrealistic to expect someone with a lot of friends before the wedding to suddenly cut everyone off, but your marriage should be top priority.

Disclaimer: We do not have a whole list of friends. We keep to ourselves, and we make it work by having things that we focus on unconnected to each other.

It is unrealistic to expect your spouse to do a 180 just because you two tied the knot.

Expectation #10: Because you love each other, you’ll always be able to resolve all disputes.

Nope. You will not always see eye to eye on everything. Sometimes you will concede and other times you will drop it. Being able to choose what things are worth fighting over and what you can let go is a level of wisdom that will come with time. Thinking you will always be able to resolve every conflict is a lie.

Expectation #11: You should never go to bed angry.

While it might be ideal to sleep next to a happy person, it doesn’t always happen. And if you must sleep in another room to keep the peace, do it. One night or the couch over an entire new life in another home isn’t that bad. A marriage is about two people becoming one and being realistic and flexible means understand you will be mad sometimes.

Expectation #12: You should spend all your free time together – just like you did when you fell in love.

I don’t know about you but we didn’t spend all the time together when we fell in love either.

Actually, we were soldiers and we both had our own jobs/missions to do while we loved each other. I would be away for two weeks to go to training and then he would be gone.

And that sometimes felt better because we were able to actually miss one another.

Now he has a job that can take him out of town, or I will miss tv time together having to appear as a guest on a podcast, or to do my own live shows.

We understand that time a part is necessary and healthy. And one that has to be up underneath their spouse is co-dependent.

Dr Finn went further on to say that: 

   When we have unrealistic expectations in marriage (or anyplace else), we set ourselves up for more than just disappointment. Because it’s unlikely that our spouse will ever be able to meet them, our disappointment can fester and transform into other more defeating emotions and choices.

And we try to meet these expectations which are actually impossible to do. So that brings its own set of problems for us added on top of whatever other baggage we bring to the table.

Persistent disappointment can lead to stress, frustration, anxiety, sadness, despair, anger, and eventually a decision to give up on the marriage. The choice to end things after persistent disappointment is often seen as the only answer because our unrealistic expectations can make it seem as if we fell for the wrong person. (Finn, drkarenfinn.com)

Reasonably, we need to work on our own level of expectation. We cannot expect our partners never to get older, having gray hair or wrinkles. We can't expect them to look as they did in the beginning or not get bogged down with work.

Break Fear.

A lot of what we face in marriage comes from our own fears. We must overcome them in order to not be ruled by them. We have fears about gender roles, be left or even the weight of what being a spouse even means.

I was afraid so badly one time in my life, I wanted to die. I had enough of this life and been through so much.

I had to be pro-life for me and decide not only to live but that I deserved to be a wife, happy and free of fear.

If you struggle with fears that stop you or just want to see what my 5 core lessons are, pick up a copy of breaking fear today with a subscription. You can also gift an Iconic newsletter today for a friend or someone you love that may enjoy the eBook.

All Paid subscribers today will get a copy to their inbox for $5 a month/$50 a year.

Key Iconic Takeaways

We can have standards. I am not saying to have no expectations from your spouse or not to have any wants or desires.

Just understand that they are a unique human like you and will not always want or do things the way you wish them to happen.

Your spouse is not someone to control or your child to instruct. They are a capable adult to talk to and to work with often.

Compromising works wonders because there will be things, they expect you to do as well.

Make sure you are learning who they are before the wedding and continually getting to know who they are as you live your lives together.

It is okay to discuss things that bother you and your spouse should be open to hearing them.

But if you are feeling more resentment and the list of frustrations are growing, maybe it is time for you to check your own expectations to see if the problem is not your spouse but how much you expect from them.

In everything you do, do your best and be Iconic.

Iconic Fundraising Campaign

Whether you purchase an eBook from the Iconic Media Library or become a paid subscriber, all funds go towards building so that we can show up as a resource for married people and families.

Paid subscribers get the “Iconic” eBook as a gift in your Welcome email and the 2023 eBook “Mrs. Pinky’s Thoughts” as a bonus.

Our vision is to equip men and women to build lasting iconic marriages that thrive. Our mission over the next 25 years is to help 1,000,000 new couples forge healthier, stronger relationships. And we will accomplish this mission through our Twitter Spaces, newsletter, and e-courses.

To accomplish these goals, I must first receive the training necessary to build the infrastructure. Cost for my online business development is $15,000 (or $288/week) and will occur over a 12-month time period.

I’ve currently been accepted into Coach Felecia Killings’s award-winning online coaching program called My Beloved Women’s Online Business and Virtual Ministry School. And each week, she provides me the tools I need to create the system of operations, so I manifest my God-given vision.

The Iconic Fundraising Campaign will help offset the tuition costs, and your donation of $10 or more will go directly towards my training.

We thank you in advance for your continued reading and support. If you know someone that maybe interested in our Iconic Media newsletter and what we are doing over here, please share.

You can also donate a subscription to them so that they can get the “Iconic” eBook too.