Conscious Marriage
A different way to have the marriage of your dreams.
Introduction:
Did you know that you can have the relationship of your desires and the love you want if you are intentional?
That is right: you can have a Conscious Marriage.
This new paid lesson is going to focus on research that specifically teaches those of us already married or wanting to be married how to have the relationship of our hearts for the long haul.
And it can be done with meticulous work and effort on our part.
Society would leave us to believe, because marriage is a 50/50 gamble, that we will struggle and wade through the mud in order to survive.
And that is not true.
It takes the consorted effort of both spouses! And it can work.
You are maybe aware that I am the former media manager over at the Conscious Conservative Media Network: A political organization.
Conscious Conservative Movement: Think Tank
But this is something else, this is consciousness in the social sphere.
Conscious means an awareness of the world around you.
In no way did I do this on purpose to link our political organization with my marriage organizations although it all works together.
The mission at CCM is to help men and women build political, economic and social empires.
Iconic is the social link!
So, it does all work out in the end.
But Conscious isn't some cool pseudo-intellectual status or term, it is a serious thing.
It is not merely being awake, and eyes being opened. It is more than that.
Conscious is a process of intention and understanding. It is a thought-out critical thinking way to view the world in which you do not just accept the information you are given but you process it through research, experiences and your own educational understanding.
The author of the book "Getting the Love You Want, A guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix PhD , lays out how we can have the love we desire if we use the conscious side of our brains as opposed (or conjunction with) the unconscious area or "old brain" as he puts it. (Pg 11).
Hendrix spends a great bit of the beginning of the book explaining our unconscious mind and concluding that it searches to heal old childhood wounds, not necessary trauma, but just the things that our caretakers and parents couldn't all do on their own.
No parent can do everything, so do not feel bad parents.
We are all human and we all develop into unique individuals and look to pair up with the ones that meet those necessary needs.
What separates a Conscious marriage from an unconscious marriage is that this conscious one is of reason as opposed to reaction.
An example in the book is that your spouse burns a waffle. And the unconscious side of the other spouse wants to fight right then and there, then you are criticized for the mistake!
The spouse that burned the waffle is not taking into consideration that the criticism comes from a loving partner, so take it as an authentic comment to help not hurt.
Our unconscious self tends to be our defense mechanism. It is our inheriting natural humanistic traits that jump into action and then reacts before our conscious brain gets to think.
It is in survival mode.
And then we are in a serious fight over something so small and wonder how we got there.
It isn't that the unconscious side of us is bad. That it serves no purpose. It just doesn't not see nuance.
Of course, if a stranger is saying something nasty to you, you would react differently than the love of your life saying the exact same thing.
But it is also why we take the things that our loved ones do to us more harshly and deeply because we react in our unconscious feelings rather than inside our thinking and reasoning brain.
We have to find a way to stop and be Conscious if the union we intentionally made our vows in is the one we truly want to last. We have to understand that at times our conscious and unconscious works differently depending on the situation.
"Once you become skilled in this non-defensive approach to criticism, you will make an important discovery: in most interactions with your spouse, you are actually safer when you lower your defenses than when you keep them engaged, because your partner becomes your ally, not your enemy"Â (Hendrix, p.88).
It is about understanding that marriage is a union made of two people working as a team.Â
You are never to be each other's enemy.
Many things said and done are out of love, for the betterment of the whole, not out of malicious intent. If it is malicious, something is quite wrong.
Differences in a Conscious Marriage:
You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose-that healing of childhood wounds.
You create a more accurate image of your partner.
You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.
You become more intentional in your interactions.
You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.
You embrace the dark side of your personality.
You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires.
You search within yourself for the strength and abilities you are lacking.
You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe (God)
You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage.
This is a list to help you understand if you have a Conscious marriage not whether your marriage is a good one or not.
Your particular marriage or relationship may or may not fit the list.
But the ideas placed in this book is to help you get the love you want not just an okay relationship, not the relationship that just is but one that is thriving and full of the passion and emotion that makes you feel alive, happy and well.
You see many people do settle.
And that is not what we are helping facilitate here at Iconic.
We want the unions as intimate and lasting as the Creator God has intended for his children.
We do not do things mediocre over here as Icons.
Everything is meant with intention and with purpose. We were not born just to exist. We each have something to contribute, and we can bring that forth in our marriages.
Don't know how to have a Conscious Marriage?
I got you.
At Iconic we do not just criticize we show up with solutions.
Too many will give you advice but not the steps to implement them.
You can go and pick you your own copy of this book as well.
There is a lot of insights from the Doctor that I am not able to cover it all here.
And that is great because I don't want you to take my review of the material or the work at face value.
Always put in your own work as well. You won't have an Iconic, conscious marriage by waiting on others to do the work for you.
Let us dive in: how do we get to a conscious marriage or even know if we have one?
There's an activity in the 3rd part of the book that you can look deeper into if you purchase it and an accompanying workbook over on Amazon.
Dr Hendrix has laid out a step-by-step plan for us.
These are actual exercises to complete. This is not an exhaustive list, for more details, purchase his book from the link below.
Your Relationship Vision A 60-minute exercise, to see the protentional in your relationship and you need to do it together.Â
Childhood Wounds A 30-minute exercise where you close your eyes and recount your childhood.Â
Imago Workup-Â This is where your record the information from exercise.Â
Childhood Frustrations- On a sheet of paper your write frustrations you had and next to it you write how you reacted to each one.
Partner Profile-This is 30 minutes and done individually. You write positive and negative partner traits.
Unfinished Business-Â 15 minutes complete these sentences individually in the book.Â
The Couple's Dialogue- This is designed to teach you how to talk to your partner and how to listen to what they say. A basic communication exercises.
The No-Exit Decision-Listing your exits from the relationship and then committing to remove them. Like if you make evening work calls, you cut off late night calls at 7pm.
Reromanticizing-Â list things your partner does that already pleases you, then write things they used to do at the beginning of the relationship, think about caring behaviors you wanted but never ask for. Combine the list and exchange with your partner.
The Surprise List-Â Make a list of things that you could do for your partner that are pleasing, don't guess but make it based on the past. Then do them randomly throughout the week and record. Write down the date your received surprises from your partner.
The Fun List-Â Make a list of exciting things you would like to do with your partner. Pick one activity and do each week. Do this even if there is confliction.
Stretching-This is to educate you on your partners deepest needs. ID desires that lie behind your frustrations. Use the next week to do at least a few requests from your spouse.
Container Transactions-This allows you to express anger and resentment. The 1st part tells what angers then and the 2nd listens without reacting. The 2nd rephrases the frustration and sends it back to the 1st. Then the 1st changes it to a behavior request.
Container Days-Â The couple does exercise 13 over a few days.
Self-Integration-Â All the other exercises were done over a few weeks, the couple individually now draws six boxes, 2 rows of 3 on a paper. Each box is to write traits and to locate your true self.
Visualization of love-One minute 3 times a day, each partner closes their eyes and visualizes their partner. They refine the image they have of their partner until they see the whole person. Think of the positive energy you get when you think of your partner and visualize you sending that energy back to them.
Love marriages are actually a more modern form of marriage with people primarily linking up out of love instead of other reasons like politics and money.
When we think of Conscious marriages, we are thinking of the types of relationships that do more than just couple people up.
We want marriages that lead to personal growth and development and can contributed to a higher level of human being.
We think of marriage as something that betters us with an intent to do us good things not as something that we lose ourselves in and become the worse miserable versions of ourselves.
Marriage is a tool for our betterment that we can utilize if we are conscious of that fact.
A conscious marriage will definitely be an Iconic one.
Research Information:
About Harville Hendrix
Harville Hendrix Ph.D. is the New York Times bestselling author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide, and with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Giving the Love that Heals: A Guide for Parents. Harville and Helen have written over 10 books with more than 2 million copies sold. In addition, Harville has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times.
Harville co-founded Imago Relationship Therapy with Helen to promote the transformation of couples and families and create relational cultures that support universal equality. Together, Harville and Helen have developed a variety of resources to help couples, families, and educators strengthen their relationship knowledge and skills. In addition, they have trained more than 2,000 therapists in over 35 countries around the world.
Harville has over 40 years' experience working as a couple's therapist, educator, clinical trainer, and lecturer. His educational background includes graduate degrees from Union Theological Seminary (NY), the University of Chicago, and a former professor at Southern Methodist University. In addition to being co-creator of Imago, Helen has been inducted into the Women’s Hall of Fame for her support of the women’s movement.
Harville and Helen have been married for 36 years and have six children and six grandchildren. They live in New York City and Dallas. For more information, visit:
http://www.harvilleandhelen.com
Other books by Harville and Helen include:
Keeping the Love You Find
Giving the Love that Heals
Receiving Love
Making Marriage Simple
To Purchase the book on Amazon: