Empowerment Starts with You: Mastering the Art of Setting Boundaries
Day 7 of our Iconic Women's Empowerment Series
Good Tuesday, Icons,
We are back with another newsletter.
We are finishing up January and approaching a new month in 2024.
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Empowerment Starts with You: Mastering the Art of Setting Boundaries
Now that we’ve established so healthy terms when it relates to how we value ourselves ladies, I am moving on to how we protect those values from outside and inside destruction.
We can feel all types of ways about ourselves but unless we enforce that and present a strong foundation, our goals and dreams will be impossible to reach.
At an individual level, we cannot truly say we believe in our worth if we don’t have actions to back that up. Importantly, at a relationship level, we can never make demand on others if we don’t first make those on ourselves.
Specifically, we must set boundaries to protect ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually and relationally.
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4: 7
What are Boundaries?
A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others” (Katherine, 2010, p. 14).
Boundaries are our interpersonal limits that we decide, and we relay to others. People can’t know what they don’t know so it is up to you to tell them. There are different types that lead into how we interact with others.
Boundaries are limits you set on yourself, and you articulate to others in love and respect.
Rules are to control others.
Knowing the difference is key for this all to work out.
Types of Boundaries.
From the licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Elizebeth Earnshaw over at Mind Body Green.com, these are 6 types of barriers we set.
Physical Boundaries: can consist of the five senses: refusing to eat pork, what your allergies are, what you will touch and what actions you won’t like. For example, I had an older woman who would grab my shoulder when she would meet me in my college days. I didn’t establish with her that I don’t like physical touch from classmates. It was a common greeting to her. Some people try to force hugs or touch our hair without asking.
Emotional Boundaries: consist of energy and feelings with respect to your own ideals. It is about knowing yourself to know that you will feel emotional about something. I am a war veteran and don’t like war movies. Knowing I get emotional over them. I make sure not to look at them and tell others I won’t go with them if there is one, they want to see. When people respect you, they will understand when you let them know something is off or doesn’t feel right to you and you control yourself not others.
Time boundaries: This is how you have a happy life and work balance. You value your time and make sure that you set time for work, play and relaxation. You balance all the important relationships and responsibilities while managing personal time as well. You don’t just value time at work because you’ll get fired but you honor time commitments to others and are honest if you can’t meet them. I hate being late to anything and let me kids/husband know that so we can get up early. I let my Iconic audience on Twitter know when I am offline, so they know when I’ve stopped sending messages. I am in the process of writing another book and teaching homeschooling to kids so my time with extended family and friends is hugely limited. I have to be okay with the guilt in that so that when time opens up, I am available.
Sexual Boundaries: this is specfic to respectfully agreement to all acts and consent understanding that individuals have preference and desires. That is important even in marriage that you make sure that your mate is alignment with what you to doing. No still means no in marriage. Have fun and see our other articles for some sexy ideas.
Intellectual boundaries: This is about respecting the ideas of other perople and your thoughts should be respected without belittling, dehumanizing and being dismissed. This is me allowing myself to talk about topics of marriage, sexuality and politics while being respectful difference of opinions. I blocked a commenter from Iconic because she wasn’t respectful in her disagreement with me. Knowing what you will and won’t tolerate in conversations often lets you remove yourself and others. I didn’t go back and forth with her. She just has to share her opinions and thoughts somewhere else. It doesn’t mean you have to tolerate disrespect, rudeness and more. My audience knows that our primary focus is on heterosexual marriage and in no way do we openly disrespect other types of relationships, cultures, sexual orientations, etc. We are just aiming our focus on a specific relationship make up similar to my own. And we have a broad audience that respects my faith, our Iconic mission and our goals.
Material Boundaries: this is about protecting things that you own like your house, care, jewelry, (It use to be videotapes) and other personal belongings. I have had people absolutely disrespect past vehicles I have had. One brother ran the battery down not knowing how to turn the inside light off, another soldier I knew spilled stuff after borrowing my car. So, it is always a no to others driving or using my car other than my husband.
Iconic Marriage Valentine's Day Giveaway: 1 Grand Prize Winner
Every month we at Iconic are doing work to reignite, restore and rebuild American sentiment in the areas of life, love, marriage and family.
We post newsletters weekly, podcasts every Saturday and we engage others on all our external social media apps. That’s how important marriage success and empowerment is to our Iconic community. In fact, we want to be the reason for things to change.
Importantly, we give away awards or prizes to help others with no cost to them. It is our way to give back to our local online and offline community and use the funds to build more resources while expanding where we can take our message.
That is where you come in to help.
According to Pew Research, 40% of Americans are pessimistic about marriage and about 20% are indifferent. Views of the American Family in 2023 Are Mixed | Pew Research Center
That’s not good. Marriages and families are the backbone of the nation.
Without them our childbirth rate will continue to plummet, increase poverty and destroy a foundational part that makes up our society’s building blocks. It is how individuals start bonding together to create family units and then neighborhoods and community. (source).
What can be done? We show up.
Our January giveaway was marriage materials to local families. In February, we know Valentine’s Day is approaching.
Our Giveaway
We are giving away 25 access passes to our Iconic Formula for Marriage Success online course powered by Gumroad.com.
The cost is normally $100.
We are giving away this course to encourage families this month to hold on to their Iconic marriage through these trying modern time. We are their support system with a 12-step blueprint to see them through.
There is more!
When we reach our goal of $2500 during this month, we will select 1 Grand Prize Couple to give a $100 to for a Valentine’s Gift to them.
We appreciate you Icons and always search for ways to give a portion of our proceeds to you.
As always, every donor will receive a reward with a preorder to our Iconic Formula for Success Marriage book dropping soon, access to all 5 of our other books and or an upgraded Premium Iconic subscription.
We believe in the spiritual law of sowing and reaping. When you give, you receive. The more we can share in this work, the more we can help others.
Donate $25 or more at the button below.
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What Setting Boundaries look like:
Saying no when you mean it.
Knowing what you want and how to articulate it.
Be specific about times, wants, needs and limitations.
Removing yourself after you made your boundaries clear and known.
Letting people know what time they can come to your house or not to call after hours.
Being specific in what conversations or topics trigger you.
Letting people know you are moody or upset before a conversation.
Talking about how you don’t like hugs or kiss on the face.
We will talk more in the next Thursday newsletter about what healthy boundaries look like in real life.
An example of Boundaries in Real Time:
Yesterday, I came across a TikTok video about a dating show. Watch it above.
This clip is from the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show “Ready for Love”, a dating show in which they try to hook couples up.
She set specific boundaries and when they weren’t met, she left. Regardless of if you think a man should want to approach sexual topics at a first date, or not. She articulated her issue assertively and clearly gave him a chance to redirect or admit fault and move on. That is what took place above.
It didn’t matter if he understood the definitions of choking or spanking. Once the boundary was set, it was set. Could she have budged? Yes. But that is how people play with your boundaries when they are set in stone.
In this scenario, instead of going back and forth with the guy, play games about the definition of sexual attacks or violent ones, she removed herself. She said she did not want to talk about them, that was his opportunity to move on and discuss other things. They were still strangers.
People have made comments on this video about whether or not she was attracted to him. That is beside the point. Whether or not, he or her continued the date is always up to them and both are always free to leave when they are ready.
Tell us what you think about boundaries and/or this clip.
Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Owning your own boundaries and becoming good at it takes time, especially if it is something you haven’t done and you want to try with people.
Boundaries aren’t ways to control others, but ways to make your own needs get met.
It is a way to protect you.
You first start with boundaries on yourself before you can ever expect others to meet them. And you stick to them. You might feel guilt, shame or selfish in them but it has to be done.
Make your boundaries realistic so people and you can meet them. Give people the grace they need to get it if you are starting it newly with them.
Never let people cross dangerous boundaries hoping they will change. You might not live to see another chance.
Need more help in 1 on1 ways to set boundaries our Iconic Coaching Services are available.
Set boundaries and go be Iconic.
Iconic Media Coaching Services: 1 on 1 Coaching
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We are Iconic can help. We are opening our first client-based service with Iconic Media Coaching.
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