I Hear You: Proven Strategies for Improving Communication with Your Spouse & Learning to Hear Them
Our new Iconic Formula E-Series | Communication for Marriage Success
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We are back with a new newsletter in our Iconic Formula for Marriage Success series for you.
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I Hear You: Proven Strategies for Improving Communication with Your Spouse & Learning to Hear Them
Marriage encompasses many crucial elements, and communication is one that many find challenging. It's often likened to the trope of men being from Mars and women from Venus, suggesting that communication between genders is inherently fraught.
Books, podcast shows, and social media content creators frequently discuss the different behaviors of men and women. However, the question remains: why do our communication signals get crossed?
Marital communication is complex. Some questions to consider:
What are our barriers to effective communication, and how can we improve?
How can we ensure that our voices are heard, and our assertiveness is perceived as an expression of love rather than one of aggression?
Are we truly listening to what our spouse is saying?
Are we engaged in active listening?
What strategies can we implement to improve our marital communication?
Like any skill, effective communication, particularly with a loved one, must be learned and practiced. We, as Icons, aim to master it by the time we enter marriage and throughout our relationships through feedback from our spouse, taking accountability for our words and working on the areas we need improvement in. Great communication is developed over time so that couples are on one accord.
This week during our Iconic Formula Series, let’s discuss marital communication and how we all can be more effective when talking to our loved ones.
Strategies for effective communication with Your Spouse
I've been married for 13 years and have known my husband since 2007. We are best friends, former coworkers, lovers, and parents. We deeply care for each other and have been through a lot together.
Interestingly, we are complete opposites. I am loud and extroverted, while he is reserved, quiet, and introverted. I love to sing and dance; he prefers his space and building things with his hands.
Our differences are stark: I hail from the bustling inner city of Baltimore—yes, like 'The Wire'—and he's from a small, lesser-known town in Georgia called Thomson.
Yet, we make it work, primarily through our exceptionally strong communication.
How do we manage it? What strategies have helped us communicate our wants, needs, desires, and expectations to one another?
We listen to understand not to respond.
Many people listen to what you are saying only to respond, almost as if they are in defense mode.
One of the qualities I've always admired about my partner is his exceptional listening skills (perhaps because he doesn't talk as much as I do, lol). That's how we became friends. He remembers my past stories, what I experienced growing up, and can even recount childhood stories he's heard countless times. His ability to listen is remarkable.
In essence, when you listen, you comprehend not only with your ears but also understand HOW things are said.
Which words were chosen to deliver a message?
What was the spirit behind the language used?
Was there a tone set to express their frustration or the urgency of a request?
You listen intently to grasp the message, recognizing not just the fact that they are speaking to you, but the significance of what they are saying to them.
We understand and accept our unique differences.
Just because I am loud does not mean I am upset or fussing. Culturally and where I am from, cities tend to drown you out when you talk. I also grew up in a family of eight in a small living space, so you had to speak up or get ignored. I am just a naturally loud person. I even laugh loud because of my natural tendency to outwardly display my emotions. It doesn’t mean I don’t respect my husband’s opinion or need to talk over others. It doesn’t make me aggressive or unkind. It is just how I am uniquely me and my husband is uniquely him as my total opposite.
On the other hand, he is quiet. It doesn’t mean he is inattentive, uninvolved or dismissive. He is actually a deep thinker and uses his quiet time to come up with solutions. I had to learn that his silence didn’t mean his was oblivious to things. In fact, his quietness made him more astute to situations and more aware of his surroundings. His quietness has come to be something rather special to our relationship, relaxing and calming strength that reassures me everything will be ok.
Ladies, he really isn’t thinking about much when he is quiet, and he isn’t thinking about other women either. Nothing on his mind really could be nothing on his mind.
If you hear him yell, something is obviously wrong. And the kids are surprised!
Don’t get me wrong. We did not get here easily though.
It took actually getting to know who each of us were, and some fights, to understand the nuances of how each of us show love, discuss important topics, and are uniquely ourselves. We put in the work to get to this understanding of who we each were and how we each operate. And we accepted those things as we’ve learned how positive fruit came from that understanding!
We learned the benefit of being different.
We grew to understand how to adjust our own ways to that of our spouse. The goal was not to WIN but to build togetherness. The goal was to gain contentment not to score points.
We remember we are a team.
The way to communicate is to solve problems, love deeper and be each other’s liberty. Check out more points here Your Guide to Communication in Marriage | Psych Central
Fun fact: we never chastised each other for the way we were. Instead, we developed our own new way to be with each other.
Now we can second guess each other.
He can say “I knew you would react that way or say that” and there is nothing I could reply with because he would be right. The cool thing about it? We can rest in that assurance of knowing each other on such a deeper level.
We can get our points across, win each other’s hearts over and over again and have the peace of mind that our other half is okay.
I do not need to worry about my man not paying attention to me, not listening and start to picture elsewhere. He is able to open up to me, trust me when he isn’t around and know that I get him in few words. We understand through our communication, that our love trumps everything else we come up against.
Instead of being lost in our marriage, we can go to each other for answers, and we depend on each other for help. We rest in knowing our present help is always by our side.
We remember we are talking to someone we love.
Use your tone, your words and you're timing wisely. Nothing can cause a fray faster than forgetting that words can hurt longer than an actual physical injury. Our memories might be going but not that fast. We tend to remember verbal wounds. Say sorry faster than you say something hurtful. Give grace quickly and often. Learn the spiritual law of forgiveness because it comes in handy. Know that your children are watching, and they model your behaviors more than what you say to them. How you speak to your spouse may quiet a storm rather than make matters worse.
Proverbs 15:1 KJV: A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
Iconic Marriages have Effective Communicators
Nothing empowers more than effectively conveying your thoughts. In marriage, triumph is seen in the joy on your spouse's face and their delight in the relationship with you.
Such is an Iconic Marriage, where life is splendid, well-planned, and more enjoyable together than apart. Not because of fame, popularity, or wealth.
Our marriages are "Iconic" because we find peace and happiness with each other, faring better together than alone. We are effective communicators, which makes us better lovers, companions, friends, and parents. We become the true other half, understanding the meaning of life with our partner in it.
Are we perfect? Absolutely not.
Conclusion
My loudness may sometimes annoy him, and his quietness can frustrate me. Yet, for the most part, we function well together. That's when you know things are going well—it's truly remarkable.
Observing the constant chatter about relationships, with people gossiping about their partners and podcasters offering opinions on the opposite sex, it can feel as though you're living in a different world from the tranquility you've found. Yet, effective marital communication can give you the relationship that defies all expectations.
You can have a healthy and happy marriage, that you love.
This is precisely why establishing Iconic was important to me—to challenge some of the prevailing narratives surrounding marriage. Finding the right person, in fact, makes you realize that other opinions stem from places of pain, sorrow, and heartbreak. You do not have to settle for the anything but the best.
We are here to offer support and guide you through our Iconic Formula for Marriage Success blueprint outlined in our upcoming book and 30-day eCourse of the same name.
This is our call, more marriages, more healthy relationships, and more legacies.
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