Self-Compassion: 10 ways of Being Kind to Yourself in a Demanding World

Day 19 of our Iconic Women's Empowerment Series

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Self-Compassion: 10 ways of Being Kind to Yourself in a Demanding World

Some of us have had a hard life or for whatever reason put others ahead of our individual needs. We believe that doing so, makes us look like we are loving and caring because we sacrifice for everyone else.

That isn’t real love. Real love includes loving yourself. Importantly, that means making choices that are beneficial to our own well-being, that of our families and those we love.

Yet, when the conversation of “choosing better” has been brought up recently. I have seen some people purposely lambasting folks for who they choose relationships with and who they choose to settle for.

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” Self-Compassion – Dr. Kristin Neff

Self-compassion is the key. It is when we treat ourselves as we would treat someone else. We’ve tackled:

• Self-esteem

• Self-love

• Self-worth

• Self-confidence

Yes, we are ultimately responsible for who we let into our lives. There are red flags to look our for, knowing our own needs and just straight up obvious lying.

Then there are the matters of the heart, where we forgo sound judgment and what is right to do what we want. That is our human nature. We sometimes think with our heads, our hearts and/or our private areas more than we use logic.

But is choosing better the right direction for this discourse? Is telling victims of domestic violence, abuse and manipulation, that they should have chosen better helpful?

Everything that may be true may not be helpful. There are lots of reasons people make the wrong choose or get with folks that end up doing them wrong.

I believe we can elevate the conversation and just saying “choose better” sounds more like victim blaming than victim empowerment.

We Icons aren’t victims. We are victorious.

Now, I do have newsletters that tell you red and green flags to look out for when choosing your mate, ladies. That doesn’t mean I don’t have empathy for when we mess up. When we are scammed, bamboozled, lied to and make our own missteps.

Reese Teesa- TikTok Story: Who TF Did I marry?

If you have been living under a rock, you don’t know who Resse Tessa is. She is a woman who told her marriage and divorce story over 50 different TikTok posts essentially breaking the app. She went through a lot and her ex-husband allegedly lied about way too much. She broke it down on TikTok and it has social media in an uproar.

Watch a recap here posted by Messy Stories on YouTube:

Many people have since been discussing it from different angles, varying opinions from her responsibility in it to people looking for the man, his children and the responses from so many.

One person I saw, called her stupid for going through what she did and also for posting her stupidity for the public. Many were lashing at her for doing “too much” and making herself the center of attention.

Stop. Self-compassion is the ability to forgive yourself because you weren’t all-knowing and all-seeing into the evil other humans can possess. It is first empathy before self-righteous judgement because you too can be too forgiving.

The lady who called Reese stupid even admittedly said she was stupid sometimes. How little self-awareness she had!

We are quick to have mercy for ourselves and judgment for others, and not in a self-compassionate way.

Remember when we talked about Jesus’ rebuking Simon. He told the Pharisee that some of the people we admonish, whores and/or tax collectors may get into heaven first. Why? Because they still manage to do the God’s will.

³¹ Which of the two did the will of his father? They say, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, that the ^[j]publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.” “Matthew 21: 31

We have a habit of chastising folks we think of as lesser than.

Read more here:

It takes a lot of a person to be so vulnerable in the public eye. I was nervous writing my 1st book because of what people might think of the things I said about my own sexual history, the devastation I felt at the time, my criticism of military mental health services and doing things “out of order” that may have felt like a punishment to me.

What I wanted to draw attention to, is how many of us can get caught up in situations despite our best efforts.

We can choose better. And we can mess it all up. We can be too nice, we can be too forgiving, we can be so many things that many can pray on. It is a complicated world out here, that’s why some people are giving up dating altogether.

Yes, telling people to “choose better” sounds like good advice. But it isn’t always that simple. Some people don’t punch you in the eye until years later. Sometimes life traumas unlock changes in folks you’d never see coming.

Giveaway: 1 Grand Prize Winner

Every month we at Iconic are doing work to reignite, restore and rebuild American sentiment in the areas of life, love, marriage and family.

February is no exception.

Our Giveaway

We are giving away 25 access passes to our Iconic Formula for Marriage Success online course powered by Gumroad.com.

The cost is normally $100.

We are giving away this course to encourage families this month to hold on to their Iconic marriage through these trying modern time. We are their support system with a 12-step blueprint to see them through.

There is more!

When we reach our goal of $2500 during this month, we will select 1 Grand Prize Couple to give a $100 to for a Valentine’s Gift to them.

As always, every donor will receive a reward below.

We believe in the spiritual law of sowing and reaping. When you give, you receive. The more we can share in this work, the more we can help others.

Bonus: When you give today, you get a copy of our eBook “Breaking Fear” as a bonus gift. Make sure you click another away, too.

Donate $25 or more at the button below.

I Understand

I have been there before. I have completed been surprised by folks and by my own actions in relationships before. Did I know I would be a sexual assault victim, get cussed out, get scammed out of my money, get told ugly things or any of the other things I went through with other guys? No.

We can always use hindsight to judge our past selves. It is too late for that though.

There has to be some amount of vulnerability and trust in a good relationship. No matter how much you do, there are people that can slip through.

Does that mean there is nothing you can do? No. And Iconic is here to help.

And then there are those like her ex (I don’t know the man or his side) who did the things she alleged to that some of it was unpreventable.

How can we Choose Better? We choose ourselves. We have to first love ourselves enough that we don’t jump into the first relationship where someone says something nice to us.

Here is a list of 10 ways to choose us and to do our due diligence beforehand. Let me say before we dive in that a lot of these I learned by trial and error. I made many mistakes in my life so I am not the one to judge anyone, me and God would laugh. Take my hard life lessons as a grain of salt so that you can be better.

1. We know what we want.

2. We can say no to a relationship.

3. We can choose to remain single.

4. We can get out of relationships immediately when something feels off.

5. We do our research as best we can.

6. We pray and seek advice from our elders.

7. We listen to sound advice and our gut instincts.

8. We have a support network of trusted elders, friends and families.

9. We educated ourselves through the Bible, counseling, coaching and wherever else we can learn from.

10. We follow behind people who have been through things, like those of us listening to Reese can use her story to help us make better decision.

Bonus tips:

1. We grow in a community with open and honest dialogue to learn from others (like the chat section here at Iconic).

2. We do the work. Sometimes we rush to quickly and don’t spend enough time observing, communication and working on a positive relationship.

3. We give ourselves time to heal from a relationship before getting into the next one.

Choosing Me

If we choose ourselves, we learn how to put our self-interests in the mix of our relationship goals. We work on ways to be better humans and do what God has called us to do. We work on our outer and inner most selves so when we link up with someone, we are at a point that can contribute to the overall union.

Choosing me sounds selfish but it is not. It is like putting on my own oxygen mask firstly. We can’t be good to others until we are good to ourselves, meaning we know what we want, what our boundaries are and what we will or won’t tolerate. That is self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love and knowing own self-wrth.

Choosing you allows you to be your own first line of defense, owning up to your mistakes so you can do better next time and making sure those around you know who and what you are.

Being Iconic is not just being in a picture-perfect relationship for social media but being in a happy and healthy one behind closed doors. When the makeup comes off, and the bra is unsnapped, who is that woman in the mirror?

Do the work to being the best version of you so when you find the best for you, you’ll know what to do.

For more help reach out to us. We are Iconic. We are a community to empower you to build a social empire that thrives.

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