“You’re Taking It Out of Context”: When Misused Grace Becomes a Shield for Harm
Iconic Cares Day 21 | Our new series elevating rising voices, community leaders and their stories Psalm 19: 14
My husband is from Georgia which is more laid back than were I am from, Baltimore, Maryland. Our communication was the first thing we had to get right for the success of our marriage. One time, we were both actually trying to help each other but context was missing from the conversation. He was trying to look up recipes for thanksgiving at the computer while I was in the kitchen already cooking.
I incorrectly though he was busy doing something else and he thought I was already ready to fuss about something. The missing context, we both were working hard and tired, trying to get this holiday together we had already been working on.
I stopped mid-sentence and said that I could see him clearly trying to help. And he said he was. He said he looked like he wasn’t because he was at the computer, but he had to get a few recipes.
I can come of like I am being aggressive something and he can come of like he doesn’t care or is nonchalant, but neither are often true. We just come from two different environments that called for different behaviors. He cares a lot, and I am actually not that aggressive. Getting to know each other was the best salvation for us. We often know the meaning behind each other’s words and can even second guess what the other spouse is going to say.
We live in a time where “context” is weaponized. Not to clarify truth—but to excuse harm. Someone says something cruel, dismissive, or spiritually manipulative, and when called out, they respond:
“You’re taking it out of context.” “It’s just tough love.” “That’s not what I meant.”
But what if the words did mean what they sounded like? What if the tone was harsh? What if the impact was damaging—even if the intent wasn’t?
This isn’t about nitpicking language. It’s about protecting people from spiritual gaslighting and reclaiming the power of Kingdom language.
📖 What Is Kingdom Language?
Kingdom language isn’t just “Christianese.” It’s the fruit of the Spirit in speech. It reflects Heaven’s culture in how we speak to, about, and over others.
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” — Colossians 4:6
Kingdom language is:
Truthful but not cruel
Corrective but not condemning
Bold but not boastful
Convicting but not manipulative
It’s not just about what’s said—it’s about how, why, and to whom.
🚫 Misusing “Context” to Excuse Harm
Let’s look at two examples:
❌ Bad Example:
“If women just submitted better, their marriages wouldn’t fall apart. That’s biblical. Don’t take it out of context.”
This isn’t tough love. It’s spiritual blame-shifting. It ignores abuse, trauma, and nuance. It weaponizes Scripture to silence women.
✅ Kingdom-Aligned Example:
“God’s design for marriage includes mutual submission, sacrificial love, and safety. If that’s missing, we need healing—not shame.”
This speaks truth with grace. It invites restoration, not guilt.
🛡️ What “Christian Tough Love” Should Actually Look Like
Tough love in the Kingdom isn’t about being harsh—it’s about being holy. It’s love that:
Confronts sin without crushing the sinner
Names harm without humiliating the harmed
Speaks truth without losing tenderness
“The Lord disciplines those He loves…” — Hebrews 12:6 But He doesn’t demean. He doesn’t mock. He doesn’t deflect accountability by crying “context.”
💬 How This Ties Into Iconic Cares
At Iconic Marriages, we believe:
Language heals or harms. We choose healing.
Accountability is love. We don’t hide behind context—we clarify it.
Legacy is built through truth. We speak it, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Our Iconic Cares theme is about restoring dignity—in marriages, in ministry, and in public discourse. That means:
Calling out spiritual manipulation
Refusing to excuse cruelty as “biblical”
Teaching others how to speak with Kingdom clarity
✨ A Mrs. Pinky Thought!
If someone says something harmful and hides behind “context,” ask:
“Even if that’s what you meant, is that how Christ would’ve said it?”
Because in the Kingdom, tone matters. Timing matters. Tenderness matters.
And if our words don’t reflect the heart of Jesus, they’re not Kingdom—no matter how many verses we quote.
Words Matter. Today’s Iconic Premium Subscriber reward is “Words of Affirmation for Couples”
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This beautifully crafted guide offers strategic, Spirit-led language to help couples speak life into one another—whether they’re newly married, healing from conflict, or deepening emotional intimacy. It’s not just about compliments—it’s about Kingdom clarity, emotional safety, and legacy-building through speech.
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What Do “Context” and “Nuance” Actually Mean?
Context: The full picture surrounding a statement—who said it, why, when, and to whom. It’s meant to clarify, not excuse.
Nuance: The subtle layers of meaning—tone, timing, emotional impact. It’s meant to deepen understanding, not deflect accountability.
But when people misuse these terms, especially in faith spaces, they often mean:
“Don’t call me out.” “You’re overreacting.” “I didn’t mean it that way, so it doesn’t count.”
That’s not nuance. That’s gaslighting dressed in theology.
Context Changes the Statement
Statement: “She didn’t show up again.”
Context: She was actually at the hospital with her child, and had texted but it didn’t go through.
Impact: What sounded like flakiness was actually a moment of crisis. Context restores compassion.
❌ Context Doesn’t Change the Statement
Statement: “You’re too emotional to lead.”
Context Claim: “I meant it in a mentoring way, to help you grow.”
Reality: The statement still weaponizes emotion and disqualifies someone based on gendered bias. Context doesn’t erase the harm—it just tries to rebrand it.
These examples help couples and leaders ask:
“Does the context clarify truth—or cover harm?” “Does it invite healing—or deflect accountability?”
💔 How This Hurts Kingdom Marriages
When “context” becomes a weapon, marriages suffer in these ways:
Dismissed pain: One spouse says something cruel, and when the other reacts, they’re told “you’re taking it out of context.”
Avoided accountability: Harmful behavior is justified with “nuance,” instead of repented.
Spiritual blame-shifting: Scripture is quoted to silence, not to heal. (“If women just submitted better…”)
Emotional shutdown: The harmed spouse stops speaking up, fearing they’ll be labeled “too sensitive” or “unspiritual.”
This creates marriages that look holy on the outside but are emotionally bankrupt on the inside.
🛠️ What We Can Do to Fix It
1. Teach Kingdom Language
Truthful but not cruel
Corrective but not condemning
Bold but not boastful
Convicting but not manipulative
Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt…”
2. Model Accountability as Love
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I see that I did. I’m sorry.”
“Let’s revisit what I said and how it landed.”
“Even if my intent was good, the impact matters.”
3. Create Safe Spaces for Emotional Honesty
In premarital counseling, discipleship, and curriculum, include modules on tone, timing, and tenderness.
Teach couples to ask: “Is this how Christ would’ve said it?”
4. Reclaim Context as Clarity, Not Cover
Context should reveal truth, not hide harm.
Nuance should invite healing, not deflect correction.
What does Iconic Marriages do For you and your Family in this Regard?
Our Iconic Cares eSeries reminds you that stepping up, speaking out, and building in your God=given calling matters. We need Christians, Kingdom citizens who demonstrates not only God’s justice and tough love but His grace, mercy, and redemption.
We laid the foundation of Kingdom Language throughout this post even offering words of affirmation for spiritually aligned couples and families. We are also:
Creating more eGuide to help navigate marriage like leadership tips, boundaries, and AI tips
Writing different blog series and have our Iconic Formula for Marriage Success eCourse and book of the same name talking about Communication
We have 1 on 1 coaching session to help you most pressing marital needs.
Iconic Marriages does not just want you married but happily married. We are not just putting two random people together, but our purpose is to ensure that you are thriving, building, and having a legacy you family can be proud of.
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