[Update] What Men Don't Understand About Women: 6 Ideas to Mend the Gender Wars
Day 4 of our Iconic Men's Empowerment Series
Good Thursday, Icons,
What do you think about the constant gender content? Is it helpful all the blame going back and forth between men and women? Is there anything we can do about it?
I have talked about this a bit during the women’s empowerment series so we will dive in again during the men’s empowerment one, too.
Let’s dive in.
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What Men don't Understand About Women: 6 Ideas to Mend the Gender Wars
Background: When I decided to jump into the relationship space, I was hesitant. I know my ideas would get push back on a lot of things coming out of these spaces from both men and women. Facing my business coach with this information was bothering my anxiety because I really wanted to help couples, but the fighting seemed to be too much.
She gave me advice to help anyway. People would take it or leave it, so I pressed forward.
Today I came across a Tweet that read:
This is why male/female relationships will never, ever work. Every man reading this knew exactly what he meant, and every woman thinks she needs to find a divorce attorney. https://twitter.com/Bob_Janke
Oh, here we go again. Men and women can’t possibly work because they don’t agree on something.
Guys, here is what men do not understand about women.
Women are women. We are not men in dresses. We aren’t mediorce men. We aren’t another species or a foreign entity. We aren’t alien. All of us were born from one.
Men and women are not supposed to see everything the same. We are different.
We make successful marriages work by communicating. Instead, a man whining about us, he could have asked. He could have posed the women to whom he trusted a serious of open and honest questions. The key to finding the truth isn’t to be passive aggressive behind social media posts but to be direct to the attended person for answer.
Specifically, we humans don’t need to part ways. We need to be higher thinkers! We are capable of more than we give each other credit for. Ask the person you want to know the answer from.
I understand. I grew up in a house split gender wise. 4 males, 4 females. That grew into 24 people with spouses and kids included. I served in a the male dominated army. I am married and I have a son. Gender differences has been part of my life.
In fact, my parents cannot be two different people! Yet, somehow, they are going on 42 years of marriage this July. Why?
They love each. Their love is so great that it is enough to look past what makes them different and work in spite of it. Love is what brings them together respecting each other and leaning on each other as they are and as who they choose to be.
More background: This is the original Tweet that made the other guy had to reply.
I’ve seen some guys posting on social media lately about how they are winning bc their wife is attractive, while I don’t disagree I think finding a wife who is a great mother is 500% more important!!! Thanks
for being such a great mom to our kids. https://twitter.com/Benaskren
What?
That was my original thought. I for one, understood what the guy meant.
Secret: Women do not want to hear in any way shape or form that we are not pretty: TO YOU. I know that is not what he meant. He was trying to be sweet and comment more on her other traits.
Some responses from men are like:
“We got what he meant”. Women are like: “divorce him”.
A barrier has been put up. The genders saw the comment in different ways. And that IS okay. It is what we do with this that we make better our interpersonal relationships.
Men let me tell you something about us. We love you, especially the ones who are married to us. So, what you say and what we perceive you saying matters.
No, you not being an emotional person is not an excuse to not see things from our side. Just like us being emotional is not an excuse to misunderstand you or misread your intentions. We women are told all the time that we must understand you men and get that you are not us. We must understand you don’t think like we do.
We are different, for a reason.
Many of us get that, the crazies may not.
Balancing masculine and feminine energies are about integrating the receptive and nurturing aspects of feminine energy to harmonize with the active and focused qualities of masculine energy.
Men are women are to compliment one another not compete. We are a team not to work opposed to each other. Not less than humans but equals in value even if duties and roles are different.
When will you get about us that isn’t something derogatorily said? When will men get that we need you to get us as us and that is not a bad thing?
Communication is key to a lasting marriage and to show love in a way that doesn’t come of rude.
6 Ideas to Mend the Gender Wars
Idea #1: Stop making every feeling public.
This guy’s sentiments were in the right spirit. His own wife might have had 0 issues with it. But it was up for scrutiny once he made it public.
I know. We post pictures of our loved ones on social media because we are proud, and we want to show the world our love.
When we do that, we open up ourselves for critique, good and bad.
If someone mentions my weight or my teeth, they only can because I put the pictures online so any negativity I get, or feel is my own. Should someone be negative? No. But people do what they want to do.
This couple may be fine but now the public is included in their business and the internet is forever.
Idea #2: Bashing each other.
I can count more time on one hand how much positive content I see about men and women loving on each other than I see podcasts, tweets, Facebooks with the genders fighting.
We know the media loves spicy gossip but the good news of how to love, how to mend and how to appreciate one another is lost.
If you loved and been hurt, we understand. But when your timeline is full of nothing but “Woe is me” and constant complaining about the opposite gender it makes you look suspect that you would know how to love the right one when they come along.
I would not think I would be good enough for you, if all I see you do is bash women on social media. I would think you didn’t like women at all.
And the same is for women who do it.
People aren’t attracted to someone who is always bashing their gender and lumping us all into the same ideas you have of us in your head.
Balance your criticism with your love. No individual benefits from constant barrages of negativity in this new media.
Idea #3: Understand our Uniqueness.
One of my many response tweets consistently touched upon our unique God designed differences.
Men today complain that women are masculine.
And it is true.
But here is a missing piece. Many women have been taught/told they don’t need men.
A lie from the pit. Many men have been taught that women who work are masculine.
A lie from the pit. Lies have made us believe errs about each other that tears us apart.
Men and women are different and that is okay. It is what we do in those differences that matter.
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Idea #4: Understanding Crime
Some women have been victimized by men. The same men that want to bash women who grew tough skin, rarely call out the bravado that lurks in male spaces that leave women unprotected, vulnerable and even raped.
This masculinity men see in some of us, many times comes from the need of protection. We put on a hard shelf to deflect from those men who are slimy and evil.
I just heard recently of one such man that I respect caught abusing women and it was devastating. He didn’t “seem” like the type to do such a thing.
Evil is tricky at how it operates. Women suffer crime from other women as well.
Men suffer abuse, criminality too. Most male victims of domestic violence get mistreated by the system and often ignored. Not just verbally abused but physicaly too.
Facts about Male Victimization
Survey data have found that men experience a high prevalence of intimate partner violence, sexual violence and stalking. Most first-time victimizations occur before the age 25, with many victims first experiencing violence before age 18.
Intimate Partner Violence
About 1 in 3 men experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime.
Nearly 56% of men who were victims of contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner first experienced these or other forms of violence by that partner before age 25.
Sexual Violence
Nearly 1 in 4 men in the U.S. experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.
About 1 in 14 men in the U.S. were made to penetrate someone during their lifetime.
More than 1 in 38 men in the U.S. experienced completed or attempted rape victimization in their lifetime.
Among male victims of completed or attempted rape, about 71% first experienced such victimization prior to age 25.
Stalking
About 1 in 17 men in the U.S. were victims of stalking at some point in their lifetime.
Nearly 41% of male victims first experienced stalking before age 25. Male Victims
A man that wanted to open a men’s shelter in Canada, for example, was pushed so hard, he committed suicide.
The apparent suicide of Earl Silverman, a longtime advocate for male victims of spousal abuse, is rippling through the men's rights movement. Calgary man who opened first shelter for abused men commits suicide after being forced to sell refuge (yahoo.com)
There are real predators and evil people out here and those of us that are left grow cold to the horrors of this world.
That keeps us hardened to the good people out here.
The masculinity isn’t always to be you but because many of us were not protected by you.
There is help out there for any, if you want it.
Idea #5: Gender Traditionalism vs Modernism
Men have dropped the ball as leaders. Because of feminism, they have completely given up there role instead of having the fortitude to fight back, like men of the ancient times would have.
And why wouldn’t you if you are told you are not needed? But again, that is a lie.
As we can see society needs strong men.
Strong male leadership is not void of empathy, understanding and care.
Importantly, we need fathers. We need our dads to teach us our worth and have him protect and guide us not just men who come and go never doing the work.
I am who I am because of my father’s leadership in my life and honesty when it came to real life issues.
But women are not helpless. Women need to be heard, understood and treated humanely.
Women need men who lead so we can support that.
Why not reclaim your place instead of leaving women and girls hanging?
Feminism started because men abused their leadership over women being abusers, toxic and keeping women from deciding if they wanted to marry.
Those bad men made it impossible for the good ones.
Now it morphed into some nonsense where women are leaving good men for no reason and the relationship space is full of toxicity.
Take back your roles. Fight the system that makes it hard. We need you.
Idea #6: Intact homes
A lot of the gender wars come from broken or dysfunctional home life.
Men and women get their misunderstandings from the environments they know. They may have seen mistreatment, sexual or other abuses, and just men and women not getting along.
Many on both sides do not know what right looks like even if they tried.
And that is okay.
But go get therapy and go discovery how to be the best version of yourself.
Understand what the roles of husband and wife are and do your best to meet them.
I was listening to a podcast called “Dear Wifey” when the host talked about his first marriage how he didn’t know the definition of husband.
For our use here is some for husband:
husband (plural husbands)
The master of a house; the head of a family; a householder.
A tiller of the ground; a husbandman. quotations ▼
A man in a marriage or marital relationship, especially in relation to his spouse. quotations ▼
You should start dating so you can find a suitable husband.
As we put this together it is basically the one who holds the house together, the manager or the “head” as it has been said.
Simply put: A leader. The husband leads his family and manages the organization of his family unit.
What is a wife?
They are the support system in the family. We support the functionality, the flow and the workings of the house. That is why we are called housewives at times, even those who work outside of the home.
When we hear submission, it means support, support to his Vision, his leadership and the overall plan for your family together. When you marry him, you agree together on the direction of your union. We have discussed this in other newsletters.
Taking personal responsibility for your household as husband and wife before you try to help the community, helps build up strong boys and girls who can beautifully function together.
Key Points
Men and women are not the same.
Factually, we don’t see each other the same or understand the things each other says even when well-intended. These gender wars are on purpose to keep us distracted and from making more babies and families. Purposefully, the powers that be want depopulation and want us to not notice what they are doing.
It was the trick of Satan’s since Adam and Eve to keep men and women from understand God’s true purpose for us, to live in paradise with Him. This has been a plot to keep humankind from growing, thriving and just another form of division. Where there isn’t love, there is hate.
When we don’t understand each other, we can never win as a team.
Contrary to popular belief, wholesome and healthy are those that see outside of ourselves and give one another the grace to be who we are in this God-given family. We are still meant to be ourselves as part of our union. You two will never win if you only focus on our flaws and never on our best.
Men, we do need you. What you don’t understand about women is that we are not going to be like you. Get to know us, learn how to lead, learn how to accept help and stop worrying about if the women you aren’t married to do what you want, they aren’t your wives.
Focus on yourself by remembering your own vision and then establish how that vision can pan out in your own family. We weren’t not designed to be you. Yes, many of us can make it on our own. Why would we if being with you could be better?
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Idea #1: Stop making every feeling public.
When you share things it opens them up to scrutiny. Obviously. But that's not the problem. When you post "what men do wrong" content you'll likely draw the support and shallow comments of a wave of women who are biased against men. This rarely encourages healthy debate, intellectual growth, or personal responsibility. It just solidifies the way some people feel, in a very public arena. Often planting the false seeds of superiority.
Idea #2: Bashing each other.
The easiest thing to do is talk about other people. It fills the craving for salty misery and creates a false sense of belonging. Not to mention the chemicals released in the brain from engaging in these activities. It used to be that women were more inclined to gossip than men, but that's outdated math. "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." <Eleanor Roosevelt has entered the chat>
Idea #3: Understand our Uniqueness.
"Men today complain that women are masculine.
And it is true."
"Many women have been taught/told they don’t need men.
A lie from the pit."
"Men and women are different and that is okay. It is what we do in those differences that matter."
-MrsPinky'sThoughts
The one thing we all have in common is that we're different. Not everyone lives in 3 dimensions. But the people who do only understand and explain within those parameters. And for some bizarre reason, they want to stay in those mental mazes.
So they drag you into the bushes. Don't go. Sure people are conditioned to believe certain things about gender roles. But just like stereotypes, roles exist for a reason. Some people don't want to do certain jobs, even though they can. Basing a personality on a belief tears us apart more than lies ever will.
Idea #4: Understanding Crime
"Some women have been victimized by men... The masculinity (in a woman) isn’t always to be you but because many of us were not protected by you."
This is certified platinum, sad but true. I've met lots of women who have GOOD reasons to hate men, I was made by one. But I've also met a lot of women who have hardened their minds. They let bitterness ugly their view of things and overtake their soul. Just like not all blondes are dumb, not all men are evil (not all women are crazy, but the numbers are pretty high).
My point is, nothing has to stay the way it is. Changes can always be made. It's really beneficial to change, but it's also scary sometimes, life is scary. It forces you to level up. That's what helps us get through it (and evolve as a species). Understanding real fear, and releasing it.
I'm heckin' hard as h*ll. I have had to be to survive, thrive, AND move through the worlds that I do. But, I like being silly, soft, and free to express me. I just "break human form" when no one else is around.
A BIG sincere THANK YOU/CHI MIIGWECH to all the wonderful counselors, amazing group members and other women I’ve met and known throughout my life. From trauma to triumph it has been truly heartwarming to share healing and growing with them all.
We are the beautiful side of domestic violence and the strength forged from the ugly acts that weak people do.
Idea #5: Gender Traditionalism vs Modernism
"Men have dropped the ball as leaders. Because of feminism, they have completely given up their role instead of having the fortitude to fight back, like men of the ancient times would have."
Lots of words spilled in this war. Historically, people did things because they had to, not because they wanted to... Instincts will kick in. My advice to men (but more so, anyone), do what you see needs doing and don't worry about other people. Just worry about your intentions and goals. We don't need to be validated by others, similarly, we don't need to validate others.
Idea #6: Intact homes
"A lot of the gender wars come from broken or dysfunctional home life."
People learn from their environments. Seeing mistreatment, abuse, and negative stereotypes causes men and women to have trouble getting along as adult children. Ironically, adult children are more annoying when released from privileged perfect families and heavenly homes, but that's another conversation...
It's hard to know what right is when you haven't seen it.
And that's what counselling is for! It's nice to let someone be a leader and have someone else as a support, and hierarchies in families are helpful. But people don't always respect each other equally and that's where it all falls apart, isn't it?
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Would you rather be happy than right?
Believing there's some universal answer to deliver us to paradise where a God who knows our purpose is one way to use your brain. It's also a great way to create an exclusive team that never moves beyond how things are to how they could be. A game where the suffering of anyone not playing can be justified by their lack of participation in your plays.
What women don't understand about men is that men often focus on pleasing a woman TO THEIR DETRIMENT. A lot of men are raised with that programming or instinct. Especially when they meet a woman who brings out the best in them. And that doesn’t have to be wrong.. But a woman who doesn't know what she wants but expects a mind reader? A woman who wants "someone who knows what I like in my tea or coffee" to serve her 😄 That’s a woman who wants a Disney prince and a daddy.
A woman who never says "Wow, I'm psyched to about a nice thing I can do to make this guy's day better because he works in an environment I wouldn't like (or know) how to be in!"
How can a man focus on himself or remember his vision? MUCH LESS establish that vision for a own family when he has to deal with a wife who has visions of her own? Often of grandeur, competition, approval, or selfish desire.
We're talking about ALL women, we’re talking about the ones who learn they're not designed to be men but don't think about what it means to be a man. Yes, a woman can make it on her own. But why do so many act like it's a choice when their caustic personalities and immature mentalities keep men repelled?
Being with a man (anyone) could be better for a woman (anyone) if everyone was more honest about their motivations and mindsets. When you accept what you are, you can accept what other people are, and that's when you become Atypical.